This holiday season try to find ways to take care of yourself FIRST. By doing 
this you not only enjoy the season but you also teach others around you how to have a more meaning in their season. By modeling boundaries to those around you; you are assisting others as well by allowing them to set their own boundaries and enjoy their time with family and friends.
Seasons Greetings and a boundary filled New Year!
If you were to take a random poll of the people you know and ask them about 
their favorite holiday memory, the majority of them would be connected with meaningful moments spent with loved ones more than they would be about the actual gifts they received. Think back to last year and try to remember at least two gifts you received and then try to remember who gave them to you. The holidays have become more about getting that perfect ___; you fill in the blank, than they have about the meaning behind the gift. This year, especially with the economy the way it is, why not try some more creative and meaningful gift giving.
If you are part of the “sandwich generation” why not have your kids make gifts for other family members. Better yet, schedule an intergenerational craft day where grandchildren and grandparents make something together. Let them pick the craft they want to make and then videotape their time together. The video is a meaningful gift that saves the memory and allows it to be relived over and over. It’s not about what was made together but about the memories made while doing it.
One larger societal problem, and most of us have had this at one time or another, is that we can tend to give from the pocketbook and not from the heart. We can all overextend ourselves financially during the holidays, the question is why? Because we want to keep up with Cousin Mary who likes to buy extravagant gifts or we feel if neighbor Mike bought us 2 gifts last year we should have 3 for him this year. Doing this turns the spirit of giving into a one-upping contest.
Especially in this economy many wonderful charities are struggling to make ends meet. So why not take the money you would have spent on each other and give it to an organization that helps people in need. People who would be receiving these gifts may get annoyed by this idea, because we have been told by advertisers that the season is all about giving that new gadget or sweater. However, as annoyed as people might get, the reality is when we really think about it do we really need one more piece of clothing, knick-knack for your shelf or picture for your wall? There are, however; many hungry people in the world, there are many wonderful organizations that need funding and many families that need help. Find a local charity and donate to them, they need your funding more than most of us need another sweater or music CD.
Finding meaningful ways to give to others is also a gift you can give to yourself.
Many of us have visions of the perfect holiday. In this imaginary scenario we 
are dressed in our holiday best and have cooked from scratch the most incredible array of holiday favorites that are all ready at the exact same time and stay the perfect temperature until we area ready to eat them. All of this cooking is done, of course, without making our kitchen look like something blew up in it. We smile in our dream as all of our preparations went so smoothly we didn’t even know we were cooking.
So this boundary tip may lead some to the realization that their dream of the perfect Martha Stewart holiday out the window; nevertheless this might be the tip that allows some people to have a more holly jolly holiday.
Ordering food, even if it’s not the entire meal, does allow you to spend time with those people that you have invited to your home to share in the holiday celebration with you. Now, knowing how family dynamics can lead many of us to want to hide out in the kitchen, then you should put on your Betty Crocker apron and cook your little heart out! To the others who buy more food than anyone can possible eat in one much less four sittings, spend your entire day cooking and have not yet sat down to a hot, much less warm holiday meal while missing out on all of the family fun, this might help.
If the idea of ordering out makes you feel like a complete holiday failure there is another option is to ask your guests to bring a side dish. Many people do this every year and it works out great. Maybe you cook the turkey and then ask your guest to bring an assigned side dish. Assigning the items helps to increase variety and decrease duplication.
Food is an important part of our celebrations, however; spending quality time with family and friends is the most important part. Enjoy the people you have chosen to spend the day with! Food will be forgotten, people we spend time with will not.
I’m not done yet! There are more tips to come…
This requires that when we do accept invitations to programs, parties or events,
we actually ask other people to help us out with things like picking up mom, dad, Aunt Sally, any older adult in the family who may need a lift to the function. This may seem like such a foreign concept to many of you so here are some examples to help you as you work on your boundary challenges.
Check into senior transportation services around the area to see if they have programs for holidays. Look for senior friendly taxi services. These are the services that will help your family member in and out of their home and carry any packages for them. You can find this information out from your local area agency on aging.
Keep in mind that this is not a selfish thing! Family dynamics either make us want to spend more time with our loved ones during the holidays because we don’t get to see them a lot the rest of the year, or make us want to set a timer for when we can go home without feeling like we ate and ran. It is not selfish to want to stay or go when you want to. Plus then your elderly loved one can stay or go as they please without feeling guilty that they made you leave when you didn’t want to.
Still more tips to come!
A certain sense of urgency comes over me as the holidays arrive. Having 
people over for holiday celebrations comes with the issues of: who to invite; what to serve; how to decorate…the list can go on and on. Also, this is the time of year that the invitations start rolling in. Work parties, family parties, friend parties, school parties, etc. If you are caring for a loved one, times that by 2! Taking your loved one out to family events, helping them with shopping and decorating can become overwhelming.
As “doers”, those who spend our time always doing for others, there is a certain level of guilt that comes into play when those happy holiday invitations begin to arrive. We really don’t intend to over schedule ourselves, yet every year most of us do just that. Why? Concerned that we will hurt someone’s feelings or worse yet lose a friend, we have a hard time saying “no” and setting boundaries with the people around us.
Setting boundaries has the ability to dramatically change your life, as well as help you create more meaningful experiences during the holidays rather than running around so much that you wake up on January 1st wondering where November and December went!
Instead of holding your breath and waiting for the New Year to breathe, why not try something different? Over the next few weeks I will be sharing some boundaries through the holiday’s tips. They might feel uncomfortable at first, however; with time and practice they can make your holidays and your life more enjoyable.
We’ve all heard the expression “Go big or Go Home” at one point or another. For some reason this past week this has become my mantra, so to speak. You see I tend to have spurts of time where I live really big and great things are happening, however; I have to admit that at least ½ of my time is spent living small.
By small I mean doing just enough to make it look good and not too much as to not set myself up for failure when I can’t keep it up. In reality, it really is “enough”. I have a nice home, decent marriage and can bring home the occasional buck from my business and my books. I look around me and evaluate my output of energy and resources as compared to my friends and neighbors and in comparison I’m actually a little above the bell curve.
However; when I’m living a small life I’m depriving my husband of extra love and encouragement that would make our marriage exceptional, I miss out on opportunities for growth in my business or to reach out more with sharing my books because I play into stories of how I’m too small to make a real difference, I choose to be idle instead of in action.
There are many reasons, excuses and hurdles that keep us from living a big life, but what if today, right here, right now, we all chose differently.
What if we all decided that living a big life was not only possible but would change our lives in such a mighty way that we would never want to go back to living small in any part of our life?
Big Life Points to Ponder:
I believe that we are all meant for greatness in this world, it may not bring us monetary success, however; it will affect and change the lives of the people around you in a mighty way. This doesn’t mean there wont be obstacles, hurdles and disappointments, what it will mean is that you will be reacting in a new and powerful way to those set-backs and continue to live a big life.
Starting today make this your new motto: Go Big or Go Home!!!!
Recently while facilitating a caregiver workshop I asked the caregivers how
they were REALLY doing. Each shared with me how honored and privileged they were to care for their elderly parents. However; when I shared the strain I had felt while caring for my grandpa, each took a deep breath and agreed. One woman wept as she shared how hard it was to give up her work, home and friends to move across the country to help her mother. Her sadness and loneliness resonated through each of us.
Caregiving is hard. It doesn’t negate the fact that you love the person and want the best for them, however; in the same light most caregivers feel overwhelmed, depressed, stressed and feel alone. Many wish that someone else could take over the care, not that they would let them if they did because they are so engross in their need to “control” an uncontrollable situation.
When I wrote my first book Along Comes Grandpa, my initial writings sugar coated my experience. As a “professional” in the field and having helped hundreds of families who had gone through the same experience, as well as being a public speaker on issues related to careigiving and aging for several years, I wanted to make myself “look good”. However; I realized that by creating this façade of a happy, easy going and carefully planned caregiving experience I would burden my readers with more guilt, frustration and doubt. I chose instead to write a REAL resource that would let them know they aren’t alone, I’ve been there and I know what they are feeling.
Since writing the book I have received wonderful feedback from caregivers who have written and emailed me to thank me for my candor. I have also received criticism from others who were horrified at how blunt I was in sharing the good, bad and ugly. Nevertheless; what I wrote was real.
Hearing about struggles people face is prevalent in our society, however; it’s relayed in a way that shares the triumph of the person after they have gone through it. Much of caregiving is stressful, exhausting and overwhelming; and the reality of the triumph of having gone through it only comes when someone we love has died.
That is the truth. There are no cheers when we walk in the room after our caregiving journey is over, no one will pat us on the back and say “Good job! Way to go! You did it!” It’s just over.
Then another journey begins grief.
For more information on Along Comes Grandpa visit: http://www.alongcomesgrandpa.com (20% of the proceeds from book sales go to help local and national non-profit organizations.)
It still amazes me how many people I have met over my 20 year career that 
seemed genuinely surprised that their parent had gotten old. Especially since the alternative to getting old would be death (not trying to be crass, it’s just the truth). The reality is that barring an untimely death our family members, as well as ourselves, will all eventually be old.
When I speak to people about being pro-actively prepared for this approaching season of life share many will say that they are prepared. When I ask for an example of their “preparedness” 99/100 times their example is their pre-paid funeral, to which my responses is “That’s great for when you’re dead, what do you have planned before that?”
While it is very helpful to have your funeral pre-paid, there are many other pro-active steps that can be taken to help ourselves as well as our family members before that. I refer to this as preparation for “What if”.
Ask the following questions of your elderly loved ones (as well as yourself) and then encourage them to start gathering information on the local programs, facilities and care options available in order to empower them to make pro-active decisions about their care.
What if…
Write down the answers and then share them with all the family members. When everyone is aware of the persons’ wishes ahead of time it makes it less problematic for the family if ever faced with making those types of difficult decisions. These are just a few examples of care related questions. Having a place to start the conversation can help families share much needed information about individual preferences and help not only to create a practical plan for the future but empower pro-active personal decision making.
Summer is usually a slower time for most of us. Though it may seem like there is a lot going on, it is mostly fun focused activities. The weather is nice and the days are long. The summer is a lot easier with seniors able to get out and about more easily.
Then Fall arrives…
Work picks up, the kids are back at school, monthly boards and committees resume and caregiving duties become more difficult to manage. During this time it becomes more taxing to find the motivation to make the extra trip to the store or pharmacy when it’s dark at 5:00pm. The increase in activities can also make it challenging to schedule doctor appointments for an elderly loved one due to issues with the coordination of transportation.
So what is there to do? Here are some Fall tips to help you to better schedule your chaos!
Creating a plan for successful chaos management this fall can help you through the winter and spring months too!
I was having coffee with my friend Rudy when we started discussing the cold 
that is going around. I shared how my cold has been hanging on for weeks and I’ve taken tons of different medications but none are helping. He shared that he didn’t like to take cold medication because he didn’t want to be tired and wired all at the same time.
The truth of the statement made me laugh, however; it also made me think about how true this statement is for family caregivers. When I was caring for my Grandpa I spent most of my time exhausted in action. I didn’t think of stopping because if I did I wasn’t sure if I would be able to start again.
The tasks associated with caregiving are numerous, especially when multiplied by the rest of our work/life responsibilities. I write blogs, articles and emails all the time that share the importance of self-care but when we our “in-motion” fuel is made up of pure adrenaline caused by increased stress and worries plus lack of sleep it’s hard to stop the momentum and take time for ourselves.
However; it’s crucial for all human beings to have down time in order to rejuvenate and be fully involved in the decisions needed to be made, as well as present for those we love.
Here are some tips to take you from tired and wired to active and healthy:
Understand that taking care of yourself is key to truly helping those around you. Make yourself the priority today! You’ll be healthier for it.
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